- May 13th, 2009
So this is my first entry. I'm gonna actually use this as a journal, as I don't have a real one and I don't have many people to talk to.
I'm unhappy. Yes, I'll say it. I'm unhappy AGAIN.
Last year, I cheated on my boyfriend. Yes, I'm ashamed of myself, but then, he really wasn't treating me well, and I cried almost every night about it like a little emo bitch, so what did we all expect would happen? So yes, I cheated on him, I kissed another guy. But after that kiss, I freaked out so bad, and I didn't want to cheat on him if it happened again, so I asked for a break to sort my head out.
Apparently, guys take that to mean "she wants to slut herself out and sleep around." Wtf? That's not what I meant at all. But that's how he took it. So, to hurt me back, he goes out and goes on a date with this chick from JC who moved here and sent him a random message on Myspace. I found out about it, I cried my eyes out, he told me he loved me but that I shouldn't expect much else, as I was the one who broke up with him in the first place. But, thing is, I never broke up with him. I didn't want to break up with him; the break was just what I said: a time to sort my head out, not for us to "experience other people." But that's what he did. Oh, yeah; that's what he did. A few weeks of him acting alternately hateful and loving toward me, and suddenly he messages me telling me that he's not sure if he loves me or not, and that I'm holding him back from experiencing other girls. I try to be a strong woman, I do, but when the guy you love tells you that, it shatters you. I spent the night crying to my friend Samantha over it. It wasn't the only night I spent bawling my eyes out while Sam tried to calm me down. I did it again when he came over and I saw hickies all over his neck, and then again when he told me he'd had sex with another girl. I spent the entire summer crying my eyes out over him and begging for him to come back to me, to forgive me, to let us start over, but according to him, I wasn't anywhere near hurt enough to compare to how much I hurt him.
On a side note, he still refuses to apologize for all this, because he says that technically, we weren't dating, so he has no reason to apologize.
When he finally did ask me out again, I thought my life was changing for the better. I was so HAPPY, you have no idea.
That was only about three months ago. It's already starting to hit me again.
I'm unhappy. I can't stand him sometimes, and I hate myself when I can't. But he's such a PRICK. When we first started dating, he was this cute geeky guy who was totally enamoured with me and loved to talk to me about video games, movies, and just random shit. We went out all the time. He was my best friend, for God's sake. I couldn't get enough of him.
Now, he only seems to want to come over if he thinks he can get a piece of ass. If I say no, that I'm not in the mood, he's automatically like, "Well, I might just go out with Matt or Chuck, or Daniel, Daniel wanted to do something..." He doesn't want to watch movies with me; that's just something he does with his friends. He doesn't want to play games or go out; those are also things he does with his friends. When he comes over, he spends the time that he doesn't use complaining or getting a piece laying on my bed asleep. I don't understand. He can go out to the movies with his friends, he goes out to dinner with them, he plays video games with them, he plays frisbee with them, he goes shopping with them, but if I want to do something, he's always tired, or he has a panic attack.
But God forbid I bring these things to his attention. If I do, he calls me a liar and tells me that he's "sick of my shit" and that I'm never happy enough. He'll bring up things from the past that he claimed he forgave me for months ago. He reduces me to tears, then sits there, acting superior and telling me that I deserve to cry for lying like that. Then he asks if I'm still mad, and if I say yes, he does it again, but if I say no, he calls me a liar and does it again anyway. I can't win.
What really ticks me off is that he is so blind to his own faults. Even if he does something really obvious, like not text me for about seven hours even though he knows that if freaks me out when people don't answer the phone, and I call him on it, he starts bitching at me and tells me I'm a liar! Even if I've got evidence right in front of me!
Nothing I say matters to him. It's only what he says that matters.
He's not my best friend anymore. I'm obviously not his. I'm an ironclad believer in the fact that a boyfriend and girlfriend should be best friends. It just seems so right to me that soulmates should be best friends. But we're not.
I spent a year begging for this boy to take me back, and now I'm not sure that I should have. And it angers me. It depresses me. It makes me cry every night while I think about whether or not I'd have been happier if I'd just cut him off when I found out that he was dating other girls last summer.
It's not like I'm always unhappy with him. Sometimes we have truly touching moments, like when he looks at me with this soft smile and love in his eyes and whispers, "I love you so much, kitty." Or like the other night, when one of his friends asked him who I was and he said, with this proud expression, "This is my girlfriend." and his friend looked all impressed and said that he talks about me all the time. That made me so happy that I almost started crying. Sometimes, he's so good to me and so nice.
But most of the time, he's a complete jerk who can't go five minutes without referencing the designer jeans he wants to buy or complaining about how much he wishes I wouldn't concentrate on school.
But I can't break up with him. I just can't. I remember last summer and how much I missed him, how hard I fought to get him back, and I just can't.
I guess that's all I'm gonna say. I just don't feel like typing anymore. If you've read this far, thanks for caring, or for just being curious enough to read about this.