(no subject)
me, trees
Dear LiveJournal.
I haven't posted in a long time.
But whatever.
My life sucks right now. I'm depressed as shit. I just wanted to put that out there. No, I don't feel like talking about why, nor am I going to let it show. But I wanted to express the sentiment all the same.

So I don't have anyone to tag really, but I'm doing it anyway 'cause I wanna. ^_^
me, trees
firstly: if you've been tagged, you must write your answers in your own LJ and replace any question that you dislike with a new, original question.

secondly: tag eight people. don't refuse to do that. don't tag who tagged you.

who sleeps in bed next to you?
Three teddy bears named Big Bear, Chris Jr. (corny, yes), and Blue Bear. Oh, and my caterpillar, Hoggle.

have you ever lied to a teacher to get out of a deadline?
Never really needed to. Most of my teachers were rather lenient. That's what happens when you go to a pooooooor school.

what kind of books do you read?
Wait, there are different kinds?! MAH GAWD!

what's your occupation?
College student.

what's really creepy?
Many things. Atm, I'm looking out for Gage from Pet Sematary. So cute, but SO creepy after he's brought back...

who is your celebrity crush?
Hum: Johnny Depp, Hugh Laurie, Nicholas Sparks, Zooey Deschanel, John Cleese, David Bowie, Ryan Reynolds, Glen Hansard, Dustin Hoffman, James McAvoy, Christina Ricci, etc.

what's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Bridget Jones, sadly enough.

what are you listening to right now?
The Sound of Silence. No, seriously, everyone's in bed.

what food could you eat every day for weeks and not get sick of?
Soup. ^_^ And cheese.

what websites do you always visit when you go online?
Myspace, emails, icanhascheezburger.com

what are you going to do next year?
We'll see when next year comes.

what was the cutest thing you've seen today?
Pet Sematary's Gage, prior to death.

does the weather affect your mood?
Rain does, it comforts me and makes me creative. :)

what is your zodiac sign?
Virgo. Shut up, it's not funny.

do you want to learn another language?
Imma learn German this year, and I want to learn Gaelic.

five things you can't live without.
Mah Candies, books, movies, Daddeh, and, um...school. No, that's NOT sad.

if you could meet anyone now, who would you meet?
Please don't ask me that.

what's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
Happy anniversary, Mom. Love you.

what are you looking forward to?
Not tomorrow. :S Friday, yesh?

say something to the person who tagged you:
She's mah bestie and I loves her dearly. ^_^

15 Simple Pleasures...
me, trees
1) The smell of funnel cakes at a fair.
2) Getting up randomly at 7 A.M. and watching Monty Python clips and anime.
3) Harboring a crush on Mike Nelson of MST3K fame.
4) Coffee with a spoonful of chocolate ice cream in it. Yum.
5) Sudden inspiration for my novels smacking me in the face at 3 A.M. Ahhhh, success...
6) Finding a really cool sweater for $1.00. (We need to go shopping at DEB in the Bristol Mall, Candies, they have this sale going on that is OUT OF THIS WORLD. We're going, yes we are.
7) Sweating like crazy after two hours of hard exercise at night.
8) Showers at 1 A.M.
9) Biiiiiiig yawns.
10) Laying in bed and listening to David Bowie sing Modern Love. Ooooo...
11) Long chats with my mom. :)
12) Holding deep conversations with myself and imaginary friends in the shower.
13) Cooking a difficult meal (successfully).
14) Philosophical discussions with friends (only you, Candies, as you're the only friend I have who cares to do so).
15) Snuggling in the early morning.

(no subject)
me, trees
Okay, I'm going to share MY ghost experiences with you, Candies. I would have explained them on your entry, but, well, like I said, I like to keep her to myself. :)
The year after my mother died, strange things started happening around here. First off, you need to know that my mom died on our bathroom floor. I won't go into the details; I keep those to myself. I don't think anyone wants to know those, and I don't think I'm quite ready to tell anyone. But after that, we saw things. Small things, yes. Late at night, doors that were closed would creak open, just like they did while she was alive (she loved to open the doors when she thought we were asleep and look at us). The door to the room connected to the kitchen would open and we would hear the trash bags rustle as if she was taking the trash out again. We'd wake up at night and swear that we feel someone watching us. Dad woke up one night and saw a figure standing at the foot of his bed, silhouetted by the light from the bathroom down the hall. I heard him when he saw her, because I was the one in the bathroom. He said, "Mom? Mom?" in this voice like that of a little boy. Suddenly, I saw something go down the hall really fast. I ran out of the bathroom, but it wasn't there anymore. The next morning, Dad told me that after he called to her, she left his room and went down the hall. 
I'd be sitting on the bed and suddenly my feet would feel warm, like someone was sitting at them. Mom loved to sit at my feet and hold them on her lap and talk to me.
I'd feel something like the brush of fingers on my back or legs. My favorite thing for my mom to do was to tickle-rub my back or legs whenever I was tired.
We wrote it off as imagining things, most of the time, but then we got my cat.
Now, you've got to understand, my father is half Cherokee and both my mom and dad were raised on farms in the backwoods of Virginia, so they were raised superstitious, and so were we. We trust animals. Anyways, when I got Momo, I kept him inside to keep me company at night. The first few nights he was here, Momo flat out refused to go into our bathroom. I'll never forget the first time I opened the door with him at my feet. His hair raised, he yawled, and then he ran under my bed. He did that a few times. But one morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom and saw Momo standing at the door to the bathroom. He was staring into the bathroom really hard, like someone was in front of him speaking really softly to calm him down. And then, oddly, he walked into the bathroom and curled up on the floor. Exactly where Mom died.

me, trees
I am never getting married.
Seriously. Never.
Is it sad that I can love a guy so much, but know that I'd never marry him because I'd be seriously unhappy? And then know that I'll never love another as much as I love him, so I'd just be settling and I refuse to do that?
I think it's sad.
There must be something in the water, because every time I sign onto Myspace these days, someone has "OMG! I'm ENGAGED!" or something to that effect up on their status. It just annoys me. Most of these girls are younger than I am and none of them have been dating for nearly as long as Chris and I have (almost five years, for those who are counting), and yet they're engaged???
I find something wrong with that.
So. Bloody fucking cheers.

Writer's Block: Significant Change
me, trees
Have you ever tried to change yourself for someone you were in a relationship with (or wanted to be in a relationship with)? Did it work?
Yes. And no, it didn't. I can't change myself. I also can't change the fact that the only guy I love isn't happy with who I am.
So I posted another entry earlier, but I've decided to delete it. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I tried to last summer, and all it did was eat away at me inside because I love you too much. I just can't believe you'd say all that shit to me. AGAIN.

Writer's Block: BFF
me, trees
Who was your first friend on LiveJournal? Are they still on your Friends list?
My first friend was Candace, and yes she is because she is my best friend. ^_^
Okay, let me get something off my chest right off the bat: my boyfriend is an ASSHOLE. Yes, he is, a lot of the time, he is. I am very very very pissed off right now. I mean, I've been begging him all day to call me so that I know what our plans are tomorrow. Finally he calls at 2:00 in the morning, and what does he do? Randomly start screaming at me. I'm sitting here crying, not even sure what I did wrong, and he just keeps screaming at me and getting more and more mad, so I call him an asshole, so he tells me that we're broken up and then hangs up. Me being the whipped little idiot I am, I call back and he automatically starts in again.
Oh, btw, my uncle just died. And my father just got back from the hospital for a heart thing, and apparently he's got a 25% blockage in his arteries. Oh, and he's coughing worse than ever, which means his emphyzema is progressing. I'm really freaking stressed out right now. But, according to Chris, I've got "absolutely no right to complain." Admittedly, he said this before he found out about my uncle, but he still knows exactly how under pressure I am right now just from DAD.
I know that I'm bipolar, but ffs, I'm beginning to think that he is, too. Asshole.
Anyways, I'll stop sounding like a total emo now.
...*deep breath*
He's lucky that he looks a little bit like Spock, or I might strangle him. Stil, l very much love him, the dickhead.
I've been cleaning all freaking day. I'll be coughing up dust from now until next Wednesday. However, my room is a hell of a lot cleaner. Isn't it funny how you have to make an even bigger mess just to clean up the mess you already had?
Oh, and I've been watching MST3K all day while I was cleaning. Mostly episodes I've already seen, like the Pumaman episode, but still, everything MST3K is awesome to me. ^_^ I'm very much in love with the young Mike Nelson. He is smexy.
Yeah, I'm a geek and a nerd. I'm still awesome.

Writer's Block: BFF
me, trees
Who was your first friend on LiveJournal? Are they still on your Friends list?
haha, My first, and still my only, friend on LJ is Candace. Love you, Candies, and congrats on graduating!!! I wish I'd been there, but I WILL get you a card, at least!
So it's been a rough week. I've gotten into a few fights with Chris, who has promptly forgotten them all, which pisses me off. My dad's heart keeps stopping and skipping, which is freaking me out, and he's had to go to the hospital for it a few times, and he has another test in JC next Thursday. Oh, and he also just randomly told me that he's rewritten his will to make me the beneficiar(sp?) of his insurance in the case of his death.
Overall, I've been a bit freaked out all week. But, as I told Chris (shouted at him, really) last night, I think I have a right to be. After all, this is exactly what happened in 2006. My mom was having heart trouble, went for a stress test, was scheduled for a test in JC, and then BAM!, had a heart attack.
...Is that seriously gonna happen to me again? I haven't even come to terms with not having a mother, and now I'm not gonna have a father?
I think God hates me. I really do.
Anyways. You should seriously check out The Inbetweeners. It's an awesome show if you like British teen comedy and understand British slang.
And the lead singer of Morning Runner is HOT. Check him out, too.


First one and I'm already using it to bitch
me, trees
So this is my first entry. I'm gonna actually use this as a journal, as I don't have a real one and I don't have many people to talk to.
I'm unhappy. Yes, I'll say it. I'm unhappy AGAIN.
Last year, I cheated on my boyfriend. Yes, I'm ashamed of myself, but then, he really wasn't treating me well, and I cried almost every night about it like a little emo bitch, so what did we all expect would happen? So yes, I cheated on him, I kissed another guy. But after that kiss, I freaked out so bad, and I didn't want to cheat on him if it happened again, so I asked for a break to sort my head out.
Apparently, guys take that to mean "she wants to slut herself out and sleep around." Wtf? That's not what I meant at all. But that's how he took it. So, to hurt me back, he goes out and goes on a date with this chick from JC who moved here and sent him a random message on Myspace. I found out about it, I cried my eyes out, he told me he loved me but that I shouldn't expect much else, as I was the one who broke up with him in the first place. But, thing is, I never broke up with him. I didn't want to break up with him; the break was just what I said: a time to sort my head out, not for us to "experience other people." But that's what he did. Oh, yeah; that's what he did. A few weeks of him acting alternately hateful and loving toward me, and suddenly he messages me telling me that he's not sure if he loves me or not, and that I'm holding him back from experiencing other girls. I try to be a strong woman, I do, but when the guy you love tells you that, it shatters you. I spent the night crying to my friend Samantha over it. It wasn't the only night I spent bawling my eyes out while Sam tried to calm me down. I did it again when he came over and I saw hickies all over his neck, and then again when he told me he'd had sex with another girl. I spent the entire summer crying my eyes out over him and begging for him to come back to me, to forgive me, to let us start over, but according to him, I wasn't anywhere near hurt enough to compare to how much I hurt him.
On a side note, he still refuses to apologize for all this, because he says that technically, we weren't dating, so he has no reason to apologize.
When he finally did ask me out again, I thought my life was changing for the better. I was so HAPPY, you have no idea.
That was only about three months ago. It's already starting to hit me again.
I'm unhappy. I can't stand him sometimes, and I hate myself when I can't. But he's such a PRICK. When we first started dating, he was this cute geeky guy who was totally enamoured with me and loved to talk to me about video games, movies, and just random shit. We went out all the time. He was my best friend, for God's sake. I couldn't get enough of him.
Now, he only seems to want to come over if he thinks he can get a piece of ass. If I say no, that I'm not in the mood, he's automatically like, "Well, I might just go out with Matt or Chuck, or Daniel, Daniel wanted to do something..." He doesn't want to watch movies with me; that's just something he does with his friends. He doesn't want to play games or go out; those are also things he does with his friends. When he comes over, he spends the time that he doesn't use complaining or getting a piece laying on my bed asleep. I don't understand. He can go out to the movies with his friends, he goes out to dinner with them, he plays video games with them, he plays frisbee with them, he goes shopping with them, but if I want to do something, he's always tired, or he has a panic attack.
But God forbid I bring these things to his attention. If I do, he calls me a liar and tells me that he's "sick of my shit" and that I'm never happy enough. He'll bring up things from the past that he claimed he forgave me for months ago. He reduces me to tears, then sits there, acting superior and telling me that I deserve to cry for lying like that. Then he asks if I'm still mad, and if I say yes, he does it again, but if I say no, he calls me a liar and does it again anyway. I can't win.
What really ticks me off is that he is so blind to his own faults. Even if he does something really obvious, like not text me for about seven hours even though he knows that if freaks me out when people don't answer the phone, and I call him on it, he starts bitching at me and tells me I'm a liar! Even if I've got evidence right in front of me!
Nothing I say matters to him. It's only what he says that matters.
He's not my best friend anymore. I'm obviously not his. I'm an ironclad believer in the fact that a boyfriend and girlfriend should be best friends. It just seems so right to me that soulmates should be best friends. But we're not.
I spent a year begging for this boy to take me back, and now I'm not sure that I should have. And it angers me. It depresses me. It makes me cry every night while I think about whether or not I'd have been happier if I'd just cut him off when I found out that he was dating other girls last summer.
It's not like I'm always unhappy with him. Sometimes we have truly touching moments, like when he looks at me with this soft smile and love in his eyes and whispers, "I love you so much, kitty." Or like the other night, when one of his friends asked him who I was and he said, with this proud expression, "This is my girlfriend." and his friend looked all impressed and said that he talks about me all the time. That made me so happy that I almost started crying. Sometimes, he's so good to me and so nice.
But most of the time, he's a complete jerk who can't go five minutes without referencing the designer jeans he wants to buy or complaining about how much he wishes I wouldn't concentrate on school.
But I can't break up with him. I just can't. I remember last summer and how much I missed him, how hard I fought to get him back, and I just can't.
I guess that's all I'm gonna say. I just don't feel like typing anymore. If you've read this far, thanks for caring, or for just being curious enough to read about this.


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